Academic Underload

At long last!

After two months of cramming for the exams which come almost every week, I have survived ChE 133 with an acceptable grade of 2.5.

There is only one drawback. Why did it have to end just when I am getting the hang of it. I am only starting to appreciate the concepts and the applications of process equipment design. After so much thought about my destiny in this field, it is only after I have finished this course that I started to dream of practicing chemical engineering in the near future. Really, this course taught me much.

The way this course was handled also erased all my doubts about my instructor's capability of teaching in the department after her dismal performance in teaching  my worst class ever, which gave me my first ever (and as of this time, the only) failing grade in any major subject which happened more than a year ago. I am even starting to forget all those bitter memories and now taking back all the curses which I secretly hurled to her for my misfortune.

I am now left with only twelve units of academic load for the semester. With some more time to spare, I have to start concentrating on the book of Ogunnaike, which is yet to be opened. With Dr. Schnitzlein's comeback from Germany, I know I have to study harder on ChE 172, if I want to pass that course.

I am not going to make any promises about my acads, but I am really going to strive hard this time. For my own sake... and for my mother's, who never gives up on her trust on me.

War Games

It all started when I called to ask her out for dinner. We are to meet at SM Ayala, which is just an MRT ride from Quezon City and a jeepney ride from her office in Makati.

I came a little less than fifteen minutes late, thanks to the heavy downpour of rain in Quezon City. She was already waiting at the exit of the Ayala station, with her usual fuming look whenever I get late for a date with her. "I hate wasting my time", she would always say.

 

But when I approached her, she was just as fine as a sweet friend and she told me that we first stroll around Glorietta since she had just eaten her snack. I was, in fact, still full because I have this habit of eating a light meal before I go to a date with her, just in case we decided not to eat and watch a movie instead. So off we go, hunting for anything that will satisfy the craving for material things that the best shopping malls can offer.

 

After a few minutes walking around, I felt that something was wrong with her. This damn instinct of mine never failed me from knowing what she might be thinking. She was bothered by the same things that make us vulnerable from the bitter realities of life, and I hate it when she gives those ideas much thought. I asked her to cheer up, to no avail. She ruined my idea of a perfect night after a bad day of taking my worst exam this semester. I failed to bring her back to her senses, so we ate with no right words coming out of both our mouths. It was really awkward for two people who know each other for almost nine years now, and it was not a pretty sight.

 

Things did not end there. We were already in a heated conversation about not exaggerating the issues at hand as we enter the MRT station, and we again failed to keep our tempers to standard conditions. We were almost shouting as we waited impatiently for the train, and we keep on staring each other as if we were mortal enemies in a stupid teledrama. I tried hard to concentrate on what I should have to say to ease the tension, but I was lost for words. I was very disappointed with what happened that I wished I never should have had called her in the first place.

 

She got off at Shaw, but I was still in a trance even after I made the exit at Quezon Avenue. I was already in the dormitory when I recovered my senses. It was eleven in the evening.

 

After months of ceasefire, the peace pact was broken... again.

Time Management

I should have stayed in my room and studied. I dont care if I know I wont be able to accomplish anything, since I will probably just connect to the internet or play Warcraft. It was just not right, for both of us. For two straight nights, we spent the whole night (well, until around 1:00 am) in the lobby talking about things ranging from tv commercials to acads to just anything that we can think of at the instant. I know there is nothing wrong with it, if only we have all the time in the world.

 

Just a few hours ago, I learned that she woke up early this morning to finish her homework. I stopped to think: Am I now being a bad influence to her? Should I have told her to go to her room instead... I am not deperate of a companion, but I appreciate her being an ear to my senseless jokes and stories. I am starting to build my confidence back because of her.  I even think I'm starting to fall for her, even if Im trying all my best to resist from doing so. It is not yet time for me to move on... it scares me to even think of being close to anyone.

 

The hell with my flawed principles. It's making me mad again.

 

 

Nowhere To Go

He was correct. I will never ever correct my ways by adding more to the now mile-long list of problems. I know that it is not right to even think of what I am wanting, but I cannot control myself from trying out new ways of winning over myself. I was lost for so long that I cannot even remember where exactly I had the the last view of my normal world. Though I know nothing will lead me to anything good, I dont think I can be my old self now, even if it is the only option left for me. I am not crippled... but I am trying to be one. I am not blind (though I may soon be, because of my stubborness) but I am acting like one. I can hear the people around me, but I am acting deaf. Sometimes, I wish that I will just be very tired to even think. The hell with my acads... I will be more than willing to exchange anything just for  the peace of mind.

On Alcohol

I have just finished a night of drinking alcohol with my dormmates. Im not sure what to say, but I want to say something just the same. The effects of gin is very relaxing for my tired brain. Haha! At last, after months of deep thoughts, I am now left with nothing but a blurred sense of sight, tired body, and a very enlightened mind. I want to share how I feel about my new-found friend whom I met by mistake. She had mistaken me for someone else, and Im just glad that she did because if not, she would not have given me her yahoo messenger ID. Tough luck. And now we've been chatting almost everyday... I'm not sure how I feel about her, but it makes me a little more confident when someone tells  me that I am quite different. I dont care how, but t is the first time that somebody else (aside from my ex) tells me that my weird mind makes me unique, in some ways.

Effects of Natural Metamphetamines II

I dont even know why I am in such deep thought. It was even me who easily gives advise to friends not to dwell on the past. I don't even know what the problem is with my thinking, really. I am very sure that I am one hundreed percent drug-free, since I have not considered crack or pot to fill the empty space in my brain. Maybe my blood, in its very strange way, produces natural stimulants so that I will be always thinking about senseless fantasies.

 

I dont buy it. I really am not special to be given that gift.

Effects of Natural Metamphetamines

It was already early in the morning and I cannot just lie on my bed and take a good night sleep as she had told me to. With all the thoughts running in my mind, I just can't.

I am still hounded by the memories of life a few years before this day. Almost everything was perfect back then... a sweet girlfriend, living a God-centered life, drinking sprees with my barkada, all the week-long campings away from home, the television set running until HBO gets tired airing new films, the high (and I mean HIGH) respect I get at school, and most importantly, the amount of self-esteem I used to have.It was all too good... and I am now contemplating why these things ended so soon.

Dying Brain Cells

Perfect.
Just what I need at this point in my life.
A blog.
To unburden me of all thoughts of my failure
To share my frustrations in life
To make myself understand that no matter what I do
Life will definitely go on without me.
Fuck.

Testing lang to.

hehe