Nothing Of Importance

I'm about to be broke now, and I can't wait for my next paycheck to survive. But I can manage these things, only if I have to ask for help again from people at home and eat my pride.

I was unable to come for the cheering practice because I slept just as soon as I got home this morning, and I just woke up some thirty minutes ago. Now I have to prepare again or else I'll be late for my shift, and I won't allow it if I get to be late this month when there is a P3000 bonus for those people with no tardy/absent record (actually, this is not yet confirmed by the HR... but it's just nice to think that it is true, right?).

I am already sick of boredom. Not because I have no one to talk with nor because I am not enjoying the stuff that I do right now. It's just that I don't seem to have someone else to share my life. Of course, I don't like to share my life with someone else because for sure it's going to be unfair for her having to worry about my stinking life and my unexplicable nature. And Im not going to start trying to create a problem for anyone.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy trying to suppress any feeling that might affect my normal state of being. I try to be a clown to hide my own face from the public. I try to laugh so that no one will notice the change, so that no one else will know that Im worrying about something. I just want to say so much, if I will allow myself to. But to whom? That still remains a question.

I have heard from a movie a line that suits me. "Why do I easily fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention?" When I heard this, I immediately tried to ask myself if I try to get attention from people so that they will be able to notice me. The answer is in the negative, but I am also wondering why I have to always get everybody's attention in the frst place. I am not in need of acceptance, because I can live on my own. And in the case of falling for just anybody (definitely not just anybody, beacuse she still needs to be of the opposite sex), probably it is because I easily appreciate people who seem to care.

No More Selflessness

At last, I am again in front of a computer trying to waste some time checking my e-mail. I have so much to tell, but I have no time to spare. I would rather sleep than try to add some more entries here.

But I want to remember this day. After more than a week, I am going to San Juan (well, I still have to eat my dinner first). Also, after more than a week, I am going to talk with her again about some things that I believe would relieve me of the burden that I am still carrying.

She has a boyfriend now. Actualy, she did not even care to tell me about it. I only sensed about it when she requested me to change her friendster status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. I can understand her reason for it, because she have been receiving a lot of messages from weird stalkers who will do anything for a phone number. I reasdily agreed, and during that time I really had no idea that something is going on. I just joked her about the change of status but then she became very angry. Some guilty soul.... tsk...tsk. It would have been fine for me if she told me that she already have one, since we promised each other to do so. I just felt pissed off with the fact that she hid it from me. So after she got mad and admitted that indeed, she is already in a relationship, I walked out and turned my phone off (it's the reaon why it was not working for a week now).

Tonight, I'll be going back to the dorm with my own life, the same life which I had 9 years ago when I was still free from this burden. I hope it will be easier not to care about her anymore after tonight. This time, I will do it for myself. For my own life.

I'm Back

I just felt the urge to write something in this blog, without so much reason in mind. It has been more than a month since I last posted something here, and I believe I don't have to stop what I enjoy doing just so I can fit my whole 30-hour life in just 24 hours. So here I am, trying to figure out what transpired in my one-month escapade from all the less serious matters I call acads.

Actually, my mind is set to more important matters, those that need urgent attention. I can alrady feel the Engg Week coming, and I am really ashamed that I am not one of those starting to make a noise and make the other orgs feel so inferior they may just as well quit participating even before December comes. I just hope that I could do so as early as the registration period, if only I have enough strength to wake up at 9:00 am after sleeping for about two or three hours. I have myself to blame for this, because I keep on trying to multi-task even if I do not have the discipline to do all the things I want to do. Well, I am already IN this predicament, so I just have to try to enjoy what lies ahead of me.

I should not be writing this, because this journal is not for me to write my senseless fantasies about somebody who will once again throw me off my personal defense and bring me into yet another world of euphoria. But still, I think I might want to remember this, so if I become another Jason Bourne all you readers-of-my-blog have to do is to give me this url. Hehe. That was my first laugh in all this site's history.

I am starting to admire a batchmate of mine from training. And here's the issue: she is older than me by more than a year, and I'm not sure if she is actually taller than me. I better be coming back to my senses because I know it won't last long, knowing my sudden change of mind on topics that I feel are very sensitive for me to even consider pondering on.

Going back to real issues, I am not very happy about the results of the US elections. I feel that Kerry should have won so that stability in the Middle East will be attained soon, since I personally feel that Kerry does not have anything to be against businesses in Iraq unlike Dubya Bush. It's just so unfortunate that even in the tried and tested elecetion process of America, charisma still plays a lot of factor. Who would want Kerry, the half-moon faced senator from Massachusetts, for president if you can have the good ol' cowboy from Texas who bombs countries for his past time, right? GWB probably really loved watching his father's games when the older Bush was in office trying to play Gulf War Simulation in his desktop.

I am still thinking if I will just send this computer back to where it belongs. My brother in the province may find it useful in his programming classes, because I don't find any use for this anymore. I am not even in my room during the free internet hours. And I can just rent a pc anywhere in Metro Manila if I'll ever use one for research. Tuition costs more than internet fees these days when I did not apply for the STFAP Bracketting.