Ground Zero

On Medicines and Cigarettes

2005-04-10T10:49:00.000+08:00

After almost six months, I am again trying to write something in this blog. I almost forgot my account name and password here, since the last time I accessed this page I was still using my Norton password manager.

I am not feeling well right now. My eyes are very red because I have this high fever. I just do not want to go home to Antipolo because it's too late now, and I dont want to wake my uncle in the middle of the night just to let me in the house. So I will just waste the whole night in front of this computer in a cafe here in Philcoa.

I could have stayed in Antipolo, but Ponge asked me to fetch her from Sto. Domingo because she doesnt know how to go home to Makati from there. She gave me some medicines which are still inside my pockets together with some cigarettes that I think will stay unlit for the next few weeks.

I do not want to die yet, but lately I felt that I am trying to abuse myself too much. I hope I will still live for around twenty years to finish my plans here in earth before I perish.

Nothing Of Importance

2004-11-28T18:51:00.000+08:00

I'm about to be broke now, and I can't wait for my next paycheck to survive. But I can manage these things, only if I have to ask for help again from people at home and eat my pride.

I was unable to come for the cheering practice because I slept just as soon as I got home this morning, and I just woke up some thirty minutes ago. Now I have to prepare again or else I'll be late for my shift, and I won't allow it if I get to be late this month when there is a P3000 bonus for those people with no tardy/absent record (actually, this is not yet confirmed by the HR... but it's just nice to think that it is true, right?).

I am already sick of boredom. Not because I have no one to talk with nor because I am not enjoying the stuff that I do right now. It's just that I don't seem to have someone else to share my life. Of course, I don't like to share my life with someone else because for sure it's going to be unfair for her having to worry about my stinking life and my unexplicable nature. And Im not going to start trying to create a problem for anyone.

Sometimes I think it's not healthy trying to suppress any feeling that might affect my normal state of being. I try to be a clown to hide my own face from the public. I try to laugh so that no one will notice the change, so that no one else will know that Im worrying about something. I just want to say so much, if I will allow myself to. But to whom? That still remains a question.

I have heard from a movie a line that suits me. "Why do I easily fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention?" When I heard this, I immediately tried to ask myself if I try to get attention from people so that they will be able to notice me. The answer is in the negative, but I am also wondering why I have to always get everybody's attention in the frst place. I am not in need of acceptance, because I can live on my own. And in the case of falling for just anybody (definitely not just anybody, beacuse she still needs to be of the opposite sex), probably it is because I easily appreciate people who seem to care.

No More Selflessness

2004-11-23T18:22:00.000+08:00

At last, I am again in front of a computer trying to waste some time checking my e-mail. I have so much to tell, but I have no time to spare. I would rather sleep than try to add some more entries here.

But I want to remember this day. After more than a week, I am going to San Juan (well, I still have to eat my dinner first). Also, after more than a week, I am going to talk with her again about some things that I believe would relieve me of the burden that I am still carrying.

She has a boyfriend now. Actualy, she did not even care to tell me about it. I only sensed about it when she requested me to change her friendster status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. I can understand her reason for it, because she have been receiving a lot of messages from weird stalkers who will do anything for a phone number. I reasdily agreed, and during that time I really had no idea that something is going on. I just joked her about the change of status but then she became very angry. Some guilty soul.... tsk...tsk. It would have been fine for me if she told me that she already have one, since we promised each other to do so. I just felt pissed off with the fact that she hid it from me. So after she got mad and admitted that indeed, she is already in a relationship, I walked out and turned my phone off (it's the reaon why it was not working for a week now).

Tonight, I'll be going back to the dorm with my own life, the same life which I had 9 years ago when I was still free from this burden. I hope it will be easier not to care about her anymore after tonight. This time, I will do it for myself. For my own life.

I'm Back

2004-11-13T01:46:00.000+08:00

I just felt the urge to write something in this blog, without so much reason in mind. It has been more than a month since I last posted something here, and I believe I don't have to stop what I enjoy doing just so I can fit my whole 30-hour life in just 24 hours. So here I am, trying to figure out what transpired in my one-month escapade from all the less serious matters I call acads.

Actually, my mind is set to more important matters, those that need urgent attention. I can alrady feel the Engg Week coming, and I am really ashamed that I am not one of those starting to make a noise and make the other orgs feel so inferior they may just as well quit participating even before December comes. I just hope that I could do so as early as the registration period, if only I have enough strength to wake up at 9:00 am after sleeping for about two or three hours. I have myself to blame for this, because I keep on trying to multi-task even if I do not have the discipline to do all the things I want to do. Well, I am already IN this predicament, so I just have to try to enjoy what lies ahead of me.

I should not be writing this, because this journal is not for me to write my senseless fantasies about somebody who will once again throw me off my personal defense and bring me into yet another world of euphoria. But still, I think I might want to remember this, so if I become another Jason Bourne all you readers-of-my-blog have to do is to give me this url. Hehe. That was my first laugh in all this site's history.

I am starting to admire a batchmate of mine from training. And here's the issue: she is older than me by more than a year, and I'm not sure if she is actually taller than me. I better be coming back to my senses because I know it won't last long, knowing my sudden change of mind on topics that I feel are very sensitive for me to even consider pondering on.

Going back to real issues, I am not very happy about the results of the US elections. I feel that Kerry should have won so that stability in the Middle East will be attained soon, since I personally feel that Kerry does not have anything to be against businesses in Iraq unlike Dubya Bush. It's just so unfortunate that even in the tried and tested elecetion process of America, charisma still plays a lot of factor. Who would want Kerry, the half-moon faced senator from Massachusetts, for president if you can have the good ol' cowboy from Texas who bombs countries for his past time, right? GWB probably really loved watching his father's games when the older Bush was in office trying to play Gulf War Simulation in his desktop.

I am still thinking if I will just send this computer back to where it belongs. My brother in the province may find it useful in his programming classes, because I don't find any use for this anymore. I am not even in my room during the free internet hours. And I can just rent a pc anywhere in Metro Manila if I'll ever use one for research. Tuition costs more than internet fees these days when I did not apply for the STFAP Bracketting.

Of All The Mythical Creatures

2004-10-03T13:39:00.000+08:00

You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Resident Evil

2004-09-30T01:27:00.000+08:00

I am 31% evil.

I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Personality Disorder Test

2004-09-29T21:03:00.001+08:00

These are the results of my test. I don't know if I'm going to believe this... tsk tsk tsk.

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid		66%
Schizoid		74%
Schizotypal		62%
Antisocial		74%
Borderline		66%
Histrionic		34%
Narcissistic		42%
Avoidant		22%
Dependent		30%
Obsessive-Compulsive		34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Some Comments Please

2004-09-23T01:05:00.000+08:00

As I was reading my notes for my exam this upcoming Saturday, she sent me an IM asking for some answers with her Chemistry problem. Unfortunately, my roommate Jason was here beside me so he provided the answers. She then told me that she will dedicate an entry for me in her blog, and then gave me the url. I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I'm flattered, as I am still all red. On the other hand, I am afraid it means it's not yet over... whatever it is for her. I'm still trying to end all these.

Here it goes....

"Wahooo!
At last, I have an answer to the Chem 31.1 lab question.

Hah!

Thank you!

Thank you Allan..

Gosh.

I realized that I haven't talked to this guy for so long.

And I miss him.

How can I not?

He is there whenever I feel like crap..

He is there whenever I feel stupid...

He is there whenever I am stupid...

He is there to help with the technicalities of life...

He is there...

Damn.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

And yet I know that he can very well do without me.

I swear, I don't know what I did to deserve him.

I must've done something right.

So answering to the Law of Compensation..

What can I do for him?

I honestly don't know.

But if ever..

If ever lang na kelanganin niya ng topak na katulad ko...

I will be there. "

Ode To You

2004-09-18T14:40:00.001+08:00

It's very difficult to explain to you everything. I cannot tell you why my life is currently in this state, inasmuch as I'd like you to understand. I know it is very unfair for you since it is not only our relationship as friends (if you can consider it that way), or buddies, or simply, more concretely, as ChE 134 groupmates, that is affected, but our equipment design project as well.

I don't want you, above anybody else, to be burdened by what's bothering me... especially since even I cannot get a hold of myself. It pains me to see us getting farther away from each other by the minute, and that I am not doing something about it.

I want you to be happy. I know you have problems of your own, but I'm sure you are stronger than me. Go on with your life. There are questions that can never be answered, no matter how hard you try to seek ways to find even the slightest clue to their solution. Don't try to find these for me... because it will just be a waste of time.

I have a lot of respect for you, since that time when we were just plain acquaintances. You are more than what is ordinary, and I've kept that to myself because I am not the type who appreciates the male species. I have considered you as my friend, as my only buddy ever in our organization. I have tried to let you know who I really am, and I think you have known me more than what I have prepared for you to know.

Even just in this small space of my imaginary world, let me say how I appreciate everything you did for me. First, for trusting me with your secrets, no matter how light they were. Second, for all those things that happened the past one year and several months that we knew each other. Third, for the ChE 133 stuff... I know I'm not going to make it without you, and I am feeling guilty until now because we both know that it was all your work, and that I just let you did so. Fourth, for the ChE 134 things... you know it already. Fifth, for just being there, for being one of my confidants, for telling what's wrong with me. Lastly, for being someone who truly cares. I was the one who opened her internet accounts that day of June... and for some Friendster reasons, your message to her (sent sometime around April or May?) was received just then. I believe you still remember that... thank you, and I mean it. She knows about it already, and there was no reason to say that you are just meddling with our lives. We both appreciated your concern. Nobody will do it, even for a friend, but you just did.

Now I dont know how this will end... as I am still not sure where my life will bring me. I just want to make post this as a part of my guide, as a marker, so that I know how I will retrace my steps, in case I stumbled in this path again.

How Time Flies

2004-09-10T20:46:00.000+08:00

I did a little arithmetic on how I spend an average weekday last August, and I was horrified to see that nothing of importance was given any slight priority.

08:30 am: Wake up, take a bath
09:00 am: Go to class (I'm always this late)
11:30 am: Eat lunch
01:00 pm: Tambay or sleep
05:30 pm: Opens my PC
08:00 pm: Starts YM conversation; Checks e-mail and friendster account
11:00 pm: Ends YM conversation
11:10 pm: Starts to browse my MySpace Account

01:00 am: Tinkers with whtever new program is installed
02:00 am: Shuts down PC

I should not have brought this computer in the dorm in the first place.

End Of My Days

2004-09-10T20:42:00.000+08:00

I just realized that I'm not my usual self this week. I go to class without having learned anything, I spend my time at the tambayan without recalling what I did there, I stare in my computer for hours doing nothing. I even lie on my bed without really getting some decent rest. I'm not in need of a professional help... but I think I really need some now. I don't know in what form, just as long as it would take me away from my nightmare. I know it's too late to change now since the finals is very near already. I have ruined my life in three months time. I have failed my own expectations, and that it what's killing me. I still have a lot of things running in my mind, and I can't help but think as if the world's problems can be solved by my blunt mental capability. I am trying my best to withdraw all these thoughts, but I keep on failing because I feel that I'm near the triumph already... only in my dreams. Someone really has to to take me away from all these.

Sleep, Allan, Sleep

2004-09-06T03:14:00.000+08:00

It's already three in the morning, but I still cant sleep. I even tried to finish the last bottle of gin with some of my friends in the dorm, only to have a headache. I tried to open my computer and see what I can do at this time, and I found out that the whole Yakal network is still online. So I am here staring infront of my pc writing something to relieve me of the whole Sunday stress.

Too Much

2004-09-04T16:08:00.000+08:00

You were never in my plan in the first place. You came into my life just when I was starting to enjoy my life as it is, just as everthing was already planned and all of my activities and acads were going smoothly. I never even imagined myself having to talk seriously to someone like you. You were just one of the new batch of Kalai-fresh sophomore that we have power-tripped that night of July.

I think I first saw you at the East Wing Two acquaintance party. You were one (I think) of the organizers of the games and I, late as always for any activity, made a grand entrance as my friends shoved me to represent our team for some game without even knowing what it is. So there I just clowned around shouting and making jokes as expected by those who know me already. You laughed along with the others, I am sure, because back then my sense of humor was still A++. But I did not really notice you to give you some special treatment becuse I had to cut short my appearance. It was 9:30 pm and I had to go to San Juan to spend the night.

You were one of the "sick" newbies that were given some special consideration as the upperclassmen prepared the annual grand initiation rites. Because I was tasked to have everybody blindfolded, I was at the center of all the 'fresh' Yakalites. And there you go, raised your hand, told us that you have asthma. I noticed you there, and had to give you the paper flower for you to tie on your hair so every member of the violent gang would know that you should be exempted from some violent activities. I was very stupid to ask my wingmate for your name because it started everything.

I must admit, you moved me away from the sickness that I've been experiencing as a resident stucked in this cursed dormitory. You made me conscious of myself inside the dorm, that I have to always wash my face and comb my hair and wear something better than my high school home clothes in the lobby. I failed to give up my dorm life because I grew some fondness for you. I broke my promise of limiting my tv hours and presence in the lobby, just to have some small talk with you. I deprived myself of the much-needed sleep just to get to know you better. I became a ym addict, just so I can have the chance to talk to you.

I made the blunder of asking you to talk with me last night as the bands are getting into their music. I cannot believe asking you something like that, and I knew that I have to do something fast before I give my trust to you. You made the right reply to my text message. "I'm tired na rin eh", you told me. If you just know, I'm more tired because it was a bad day for me, then I came to the dorm with my clothes drenched because of that sudden downpour. More so, I have already taken alcohol and puffed my first cigarette in months. And you? Right there in the lobby blinking your eyes to that Ginling Festival vocalist. Tsk Tsk. I was alone last night, problematic, and you made the best answer you could ever give to me in your entire life. I want to thank you for that. I will never give you any information as to who I am. I am not about to reveal myself to someone like you who is afraid of life in its true sense. I was just in the state of "near drunkenness", I learned this morning.

I am giving it all up NOW. I learned my lessons well. I cannot let you get into my life deeper just as you did for a few months now. You were great, I cannot say anything against you except for your being a boy hunter. What did you say back then? That you just love the thrill of the chase? That you just like someone when he still seems to be aloof and hard-to-get? That you probably can change your mind just as easy when he already gets trapped into liking you? I did not know that game before... and I am not going to play it now. I am not going to act as a safety net for you... someone you can talk to only when you are in some sort of problem. I stayed for you before because it is my natural self to make others a little happier and that is a personal satisfaction. I am here for anyone who needs me. But you should have taken care not to hurt other's pride. I am not asking you anything more than simple appreciation. I am not 'just always around', as you might be thinking. You are not my life. I do not even love you. And I will start not to care anymore. Go on and try to catch your buddy. Make your lead singer catch your attention. Flirt all you want. I'm not going to hear any of it again.

A Week Down The Drain

2004-08-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

I can't remember exactly how my week was spent, Im just sure that all those precious days were wasted because I don't seem to achieve anything, and I am almost too sure that I haven't learned anything new. I still am not finished with my take home exam in ChE 123, which is due on tuesday before our 2nd long exam.

I nearly promised myself to just let this free internet service be diconnected beacuse it is eating a lot of my time. But I think it will be useful for my research purposes, now that we are cramming for our process design in ChE 134.

Argh. I don't even have some time to update my entries in this f*cking blog.

Catharsis

2004-08-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

It's really a fun-filled night. The name itself literally means cleansing of the soul. This event, which is a night of soulful poetry and music, achieved more than its purpose. I believe the performances are great, considering there are a lot of new faces who went on the stage. Also, there were more people who came this year, even though there was no 'guest performer' like another King or Radioactive Sago Project who were invited for a fee during the previous years.

The first performers (aside form the KEM Choir who gave the doxology) were the UP KEM Applicants Batch 04-A who gave a very cute handmime. I think it's the first time I saw a handmime by the kemers, since I was late last year when I was supposed to be a part of the handmime group. Some notable perfomances for me were those of the duo who were Di's Pisay friends, the groups of Pol's friends and Kietly's friends, the children form Koine Foundation who gave a very good dance number, my batchmates Andrei who performed solo for a while, the KEM Band (syempre naman), the GE Club people, and some mor which I forgot already what they did onstage.

The night was also made alive by two KEMers who hosted the event. Lou, on one hand, is already used to host events this big, so I didn't really notice a big difference. It is Pol on the other hand, who made a very big improvement. I still remember him hosting some other activities before but it was only in this event that he mad such a hosting job.

All in all, I think this event was a huge success. The tasks were not easy for the Catharsis staff to do, but they did great! Many of the alumni and resident KEMers were present, as well the applicants who stayed to serve food and clean the mess after the event.

Another Weekend

2004-08-22T17:58:00.000+08:00

I just arrived from Antipolo where I spent my Saturday night and the whole Sunday. Definitely, I had no time to study for my 134 exam which is scheduled this wedneday, so I have to cram again for my exams.

In Antipolo, I lived like I am on a vacation again. I ate and slept, watched tv and slept, woke up and watched tv, ate again and took a bath and ate again and then left my uncle's house. I was a little embarrassed when they asked me why it took me so long before I came for a visit. My auntie's pasalubong for me and my family were already dusty because it was waiting to be picked up since last March!

Before I go back, my uncle asked me if I could drop by their house more frequently if I am not busy. Hehehe.

Power Trip

2004-08-21T18:31:00.000+08:00

I have to admit, it was my impression of the org's talent show when I was still an applicant of KEM. Some more talent shows after that, my perception gradually changed, until I came to realize how important it is in the KEM's application process.

Last night was the first talent show I watched as a memcom. The activity was fun, and I had the chance to let out all the angst that was stored inside me for the whole week... but I did not give it all. For one, seeing all the applicants at the same time on the stage when they know that they won't fit at the same time did not get me into the mood to heckle. Second, my head was really painful yesterday, and I was afraid that it might get worse with all the shouting. (I hope I don't have a migraine... I'm still too young for that.) Third, all the other memcommers were more than enough for the applicants. Lastly, I did not want to waste too much energy on the talent show beacuse I had a very important appointment early this morning.

I just have this to say: Batch 01-B is better than this batch (I have my batch to compare because we both have the same number of applicants who attended the talent show: 44).

On Download and Vomit

2004-08-14T11:37:00.000+08:00

It's 11:30 in the morning and I have yet to catch some shut-eye because I am very busy looking for utilities in the web which I can use for my computer. I had already installed Norton Internet Security 2004 Trial Version and Getright 5.1, but I still have to search for the corresponding cracks to make them "legitimate" in my pc's sense. I am getting too paranoid for this security matters when I don't even have any serious files to protect. I think I am just up to the challenge of getting ahead of those software companies who spread malicious scripts and viruses and then offering the solutions to internet users for a hefty price. Call it theft... piracy.... whatever... I dont care. I will not pay any amount more than a pirated utility cd's worth for my programs.

Or maybe it was just because I am still mad at my roommate for puking at my bed. He was already asleep when I arrived at the dorm, so I did not bother to wake him up and tell him to get off my bed since I was not yet about to sleep. But a few minutes later, we heard some sounds (ark.. ark... like that) and I had to hold my temper from lifting my roommate myself and throwing him into the CR cubicle. I hate people who cannot control their reactions toward alcohol. Why cant he just drink a little less so that he could have carried himself until his sleep? If I was already here when he came drunk and irritating the people inside our room during that time (as another roommate told me), he would surely receive some slashing from me.

27th Inter-University Quiz Show

2004-08-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

Heading this year's Inter-U was a real-time learning experience for me. The preparation time, I must say, was more than enough, but we had to cram for most of the important stuff that should have been finished at an earlier time. I cannot blame the fundings, because it was the same problem experienced by the people involved in all other activities.

The event itself, in my own opinion, is a success. I think the whole engineering community noticed the event, and that was the most important thing for me. There were also two schools added to this year's contest, and there were no single complaint raised during the quiz. The program was also excellent.

I just hope that I could still treat my staff before the sem ends. *Sigh* I cannot do it now because my pockets are already empty due to the KEM memorabilia which I cannot just ignore. I also have to stop my work in preparation for the event, and it took its toll on my bank account. Also, we still have a few thousands to repay to those who shelled out sme personal money just so that we will not have to give away those ugly NYC trophies donated for the event's winners.

I realized that I still have a lot to do to improve myself in terms of dealing with responsibilities, before it will be too late to change. For now, since almost all of my responsibilities in the org is over, I have to get back to my own pace of living, and get back to work before my agency fires me.

Back From Home

2004-08-08T19:56:00.001+08:00

I just arrived at the dorm from Cabanatuan, and I am very pissed off because of the recent events which all started when my brother hired a tricycle with very little space for the computer monitor to fit in. At the bus terminal, there was this fucking guy who lifted the computer monitor box from the tricycle and brought it immediately inside the bus compartment without even asking me what bus I want to take. Then he asked me for some money for doing a favor! Fuck him. I could carry the package from Cabanatuan to Cubao if I want to. Then, this son-of-a-bitch conductor charged me twenty pesos for the box, and it was too much! Other conductors don't even charge those people who bring sacks of rice or onions along the way. So I just joked, "Manong, hindi naman na siguro mababasag yung monitor ko, no?". I was surprised when he answered me with disgust, saying "Wala akong magagawa kung masira yan... dapat kasi sinasakay mo na lang yan sa private". The fuck! Didn' he realize that nobody would bother taking the bus if they have an option of going to Manila in a private car? I want to curse the hell out of that old man!

So much for that fucking conductor. I asked to be dropped at SM North Edsa. I immediately hailed a cab because it was raining, but this crazy cab driver do not want to drive me to Yakal, saying he can only go as far as Philcoa because according to him, traffic is very heavy inside UP beacuse of UPCAT. He even suggested that I take a tricycle (again) from Philcoa to UP, but only if I can pay the tricycle driver sixty or so pesos for the fare. Damn! I can only plead that he take me to Central in Commonwealth, thinking that I can walk from there to the dorm with the heavy package wrapped around my arms instead of taking a jeepney from Philcoa (The reason, my friends, for taking a cab is to eliminate the hassle of the box going in and out of the jeepney and disturbing the driver and all the other passengers). When we arrived at Central overpass, I noticed that there was not a single car along Yllanan Road, so I asked him if he can drive along Yllanan and go left to Bahay ng Alumni. If I was just in the mood, I could have laughed all my guts out because we are the only living things around! Hahaha! So he proceeded until we reached Yakal, and as I was getting into the mood to be happy for finally arriving in the dorm, he goes asking for extra fare. "Wala kasi ako makukuha pasahero palabas dito sa UP eh...". ARGH! And I thought Friday the 13th happens only on Fridays and on the 13th of the month.

But things did not end there, as if I have this ring which keeps on haunting me. I called PC Express for about three times, without anybody answering on the other line. So I just went to Katipunan to get my RAM which should be available by now after three weeks of waiting just so they can have time to replace the item. I was excited to get back my RAM, and I was even planning on buying a LAN Card so I can avail of this free internet connection in Yakal. But this fucking salesman in PCX told me to go back tomorrow because the man in charge of replacing items under warranty is on his day off. Putangina talaga. I did not go to my tutorials just to get the fucking memory and now I waill have to wait until tomorrow. Also, I have to go to Manila on Wednesday for the cancelled tutorials with my student.

Now, I can say that there exists Sunday the 10th.... and it's worse than what you see in Jason's movies.

KEM Opening Ceremonies

2004-08-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

It was a very successful event... at least for me. Seeing Florentino SIlayan in person was enough for me to justify my nth absence in Chem 31. I arrived at the Engineering Theater a few minutes past 10:00 am, but there are still only a handful of KEMers around. I was a bit disappointed by the fact that some did not seem to care if the event will not push through as planned, but I was more irritated when I saw that devil alumnus, that traitor, talking to the KEM's founding president. He should not have been there in the first place since he blatantly disowned the organization years ago. He just did not fit in the picture.

The program started at 10:30 am with the invocation of the KEM Choir. It was a heart-warming opening, and I felt that the KEMers were very excited with the speeches that will follow. It was Dr. Chu who started the words rolling, and I am very sure that he did really prepare his speech, if only he could deliver his speech in a better way possible. Prof. De Leon was next, and I believe that she was proud of the organization. She surely did keep the flames ablaze in the members' hearts with her strong words for the organization.

The last speaker, and definitely the most awaited, was Florentino Silayan himself... in the flesh, still alive, and very much a KEMer in actions and in words. The crowd just could not resist to give him a standing ovation as he walked towards the podium. As he spoke, I told myself "No doubt KEM is this good...". And I am just happy that he founded the organization for the right reason.

Just like all the organization's activities, there is no better conclusion to the event than a photo session at the engineering lobby.

Academic Underload

2004-07-28T00:10:00.000+08:00

At long last!

After two months of cramming for the exams which come almost every week, I have survived ChE 133 with an acceptable grade of 2.5.

There is only one drawback. Why did it have to end just when I am getting the hang of it. I am only starting to appreciate the concepts and the applications of process equipment design. After so much thought about my destiny in this field, it is only after I have finished this course that I started to dream of practicing chemical engineering in the near future. Really, this course taught me much.

The way this course was handled also erased all my doubts about my instructor's capability of teaching in the department after her dismal performance in teaching my worst class ever, which gave me my first ever (and as of this time, the only) failing grade in any major subject which happened more than a year ago. I am even starting to forget all those bitter memories and now taking back all the curses which I secretly hurled to her for my misfortune.

I am now left with only twelve units of academic load for the semester. With some more time to spare, I have to start concentrating on the book of Ogunnaike, which is yet to be opened. With Dr. Schnitzlein's comeback from Germany, I know I have to study harder on ChE 172, if I want to pass that course.

I am not going to make any promises about my acads, but I am really going to strive hard this time. For my own sake... and for my mother's, who never gives up on her trust on me.

War Games

2004-07-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

It all started when I called to ask her out for dinner. We are to meet at SM Ayala, which is just an MRT ride from Quezon City and a jeepney ride from her office in Makati.

I came a little less than fifteen minutes late, thanks to the heavy downpour of rain in Quezon City. She was already waiting at the exit of the Ayala station, with her usual fuming look whenever I get late for a date with her. "I hate wasting my time", she would always say.

But when I approached her, she was just as fine as a sweet friend and she told me that we first stroll around Glorietta since she had just eaten her snack. I was, in fact, still full because I have this habit of eating a light meal before I go to a date with her, just in case we decided not to eat and watch a movie instead. So off we go, hunting for anything that will satisfy the craving for material things that the best shopping malls can offer.

After a few minutes walking around, I felt that something was wrong with her. This damn instinct of mine never failed me from knowing what she might be thinking. She was bothered by the same things that make us vulnerable from the bitter realities of life, and I hate it when she gives those ideas much thought. I asked her to cheer up, to no avail. She ruined my idea of a perfect night after a bad day of taking my worst exam this semester. I failed to bring her back to her senses, so we ate with no right words coming out of both our mouths. It was really awkward for two people who know each other for almost nine years now, and it was not a pretty sight.

Things did not end there. We were already in a heated conversation about not exaggerating the issues at hand as we enter the MRT station, and we again failed to keep our tempers to standard conditions. We were almost shouting as we waited impatiently for the train, and we keep on staring each other as if we were mortal enemies in a stupid teledrama. I tried hard to concentrate on what I should have to say to ease the tension, but I was lost for words. I was very disappointed with what happened that I wished I never should have had called her in the first place.

She got off at Shaw, but I was still in a trance even after I made the exit at Quezon Avenue. I was already in the dormitory when I recovered my senses. It was eleven in the evening.

After months of ceasefire, the peace pact was broken... again.

Time Management

2004-07-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

I should have stayed in my room and studied. I dont care if I know I wont be able to accomplish anything, since I will probably just connect to the internet or play Warcraft. It was just not right, for both of us. For two straight nights, we spent the whole night (well, until around 1:00 am) in the lobby talking about things ranging from tv commercials to acads to just anything that we can think of at the instant. I know there is nothing wrong with it, if only we have all the time in the world.

Just a few hours ago, I learned that she woke up early this morning to finish her homework. I stopped to think: Am I now being a bad influence to her? Should I have told her to go to her room instead... I am not deperate of a companion, but I appreciate her being an ear to my senseless jokes and stories. I am starting to build my confidence back because of her. I even think I'm starting to fall for her, even if Im trying all my best to resist from doing so. It is not yet time for me to move on... it scares me to even think of being close to anyone.

The hell with my flawed principles. It's making me mad again.

Nowhere To Go

2004-07-19T23:30:00.000+08:00

He was correct. I will never ever correct my ways by adding more to the now mile-long list of problems. I know that it is not right to even think of what I am wanting, but I cannot control myself from trying out new ways of winning over myself. I was lost for so long that I cannot even remember where exactly I had the the last view of my normal world. Though I know nothing will lead me to anything good, I dont think I can be my old self now, even if it is the only option left for me. I am not crippled... but I am trying to be one. I am not blind (though I may soon be, because of my stubborness) but I am acting like one. I can hear the people around me, but I am acting deaf. Sometimes, I wish that I will just be very tired to even think. The hell with my acads... I will be more than willing to exchange anything just for the peace of mind.

On Alcohol

2004-07-18T03:26:00.000+08:00

I have just finished a night of drinking alcohol with my dormmates. Im not sure what to say, but I want to say something just the same. The effects of gin is very relaxing for my tired brain. Haha! At last, after months of deep thoughts, I am now left with nothing but a blurred sense of sight, tired body, and a very enlightened mind. I want to share how I feel about my new-found friend whom I met by mistake. She had mistaken me for someone else, and Im just glad that she did because if not, she would not have given me her yahoo messenger ID. Tough luck. And now we've been chatting almost everyday... I'm not sure how I feel about her, but it makes me a little more confident when someone tells me that I am quite different. I dont care how, but t is the first time that somebody else (aside from my ex) tells me that my weird mind makes me unique, in some ways.

Effects of Natural Metamphetamines II

2004-07-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

I dont even know why I am in such deep thought. It was even me who easily gives advise to friends not to dwell on the past. I don't even know what the problem is with my thinking, really. I am very sure that I am one hundreed percent drug-free, since I have not considered crack or pot to fill the empty space in my brain. Maybe my blood, in its very strange way, produces natural stimulants so that I will be always thinking about senseless fantasies.

I dont buy it. I really am not special to be given that gift.

Effects of Natural Metamphetamines

2004-07-15T23:25:00.001+08:00

It was already early in the morning and I cannot just lie on my bed and take a good night sleep as she had told me to. With all the thoughts running in my mind, I just can't.

I am still hounded by the memories of life a few years before this day. Almost everything was perfect back then... a sweet girlfriend, living a God-centered life, drinking sprees with my barkada, all the week-long campings away from home, the television set running until HBO gets tired airing new films, the high (and I mean HIGH) respect I get at school, and most importantly, the amount of self-esteem I used to have.It was all too good... and I am now contemplating why these things ended so soon.

Dying Brain Cells

2004-07-14T23:53:00.000+08:00

Perfect.
Just what I need at this point in my life.
A blog.
To unburden me of all thoughts of my failure
To share my frustrations in life
To make myself understand that no matter what I do
Life will definitely go on without me.
Fuck.

Testing lang to.

2004-07-11T20:33:00.000+08:00

hehe